Ruminating on my feisty, loud, potty-mouthed, opinionated, assertive, strong headed self

I started this blog when I quit my engineering day job in innovation to pursue a career in food studies. I usually this space with food-related stories. So, bear with me as I detour into politics with a public confession. I am not secretive about my political leanings, so I won’t hash that out. Instead, I want to talk about some of what I felt after this week’s presidential debate. During the ongoing and, at times, difficult reinvention of myself, I constantly discover more about me and what drives me as a person. Watching Secretary Clinton in the presidential debate Monday with a blustering, sexist blowhard reminded me of some of my experiences.

My engineering career was filled with lots of ups and downs. I accomplished shining successes and engineering feats. Many, I still look at proudly and often with a tinge of remorse about a life left behind. But, I remind myself that I also struggled mightily. Struggles more often than not related to interpersonal difficulties rather than technical challenges. On occasion, I tried to put these experiences into words. Knowing damn well, I am a poor example poster child for talking about sexism in technology careers, I hesitated. I am not the sweet, pleasant, friendly, womanly, well-mannered, demure lady who got treated roughshod by the men in the engineering department. I am the feisty, loud, potty-mouthed, opinionated, assertive, strong headed woman who dishes it out.

That feisty, loud, potty-mouthed, opinionated, assertive, strong headed woman is part of who I am. I constantly struggle with that part of my persona. When the feisty, loud, potty-mouthed, opinionated, assertive, strong headed woman slides into an angry, swinging, aggressive, stubborn, egotistical person, I ruminate on how much I loath that part of my personality. Like I said, not a poster child.

That part of me – the icy, tough-girl facade – makes what I am about to admit very hard.  My greatest flaw is my difficulty dealing with blustering blowhards with grace and competence. I must confess, I can’t. . . nay. . . I am not practiced in the skill of maintaining composure in the face of the asshole interrupting me, speaking over me, mansplaining to me, dismissing me and challenging me. I do not easily back away from the edge of the slide that takes me down to the angry, swinging, aggressive, stubborn, egotistical person I despise. I lack practiced skill in this area and I walked from my previous career in part because of this.

The stress, the rumination, the anger, the tension, the rumination, the humiliation, the bruised ego, the loss of self confidence, the rumination, the self doubt, the self hate and, yes, again, the rumination affected me physically and mentally. Colleagues say I am a talented, very smart, intuitive, hard working and very good engineer and project leader. They know projects I led were ambitious, decisive and result driven. But they will also tell you I was a hard ass, driven, aggressive, pushy, bossy, emotional, reactive and confrontational.

I tore myself up trying to be pleasant, more passive, less aggressive, less pushy, less of a hard ass, less driven. I questioned every odd conversation in meetings wondering what would get me a side meeting next. I scrutinized so many little comments during interactions and ruminated on them in a paranoid replay reel in my head. It drove me to tears. Big, ugly, crocodile tears.

What does this have to do with politics or the presidential debate or Hillary Clinton? On Monday night, Secretary Clinton blew me away with her well-honed skill in doing exactly what I struggle with – standing down that blowhard with a smile while letting him sputter out. She impressed and awed me not only then, but with her long-demonstrated ability to keep stepping into the ring for another round of this. I simply couldn’t do it anymore.  Thank you for showing me the next 30 years of my life don’t need to be spent ruminating.